J A C K   H A N D E Y   Q U O T E S

Okay first off, these are the only quotes you will EVER see in my profile.  And I know some of them are dumb, others are pointless, and even a couple are probably completely devoid of anything relating to humor, but hey, that's life so deal with it.  I am not sure about how accurate these quotes are, I am sure some words may have been dropped or so, but hey, you get the jest of it.  Message me if you know a quote you believe I MUST add, or a correction to one and I will fix it.  Have fun!  (Aren't these quotes just... peachy keen?   [Don't ask, just nod your head.])

• I bet a real big problem in yodeling class is people just coming and yodeling right off the bat. You see, we build to that.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
• Ambition is like a venus fly trap.  If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite but it wouldn't hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth.  Then some other stuff could happen and that would be like ambition.
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.  NOW who's asking the questions?
• Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should call them "impressions", and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?
• Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.
• Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.  Not lifting weights doesn't kill me.  Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.
• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
• If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.
• Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff.
• If you ever drop your keys into a pool of lava, let them go, cuz man, they're gone.
• Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
• If a kid ever asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
• The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.  But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it.  Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
• If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means your a hard worker.  It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
• The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.
• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
• It takes a big man to cry.  It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
• Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of people, and one shark, wouldn't it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass?
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
• I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
• I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
• Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
• Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
• The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
• Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
• I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
• If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
• If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts. Make it worthwhile!
• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
• If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
• If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
• If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
• If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

Oh and note.. I lied up above.  I do have a couple of non-Jack Handey quotes.

• The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.   [NOTE:  If you didn't understand the humor in that.. -Then ur an ignorant asshole.. LEAVE!]
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
• I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
• I have been temporarily distracted by a shiny object.
• :: Points over there :: LOOK!  A distraction.
•